In an attempt to get back in to blogging, and honing my writing talents, I am committing to writing at least 500 words every day for 31 days. It is a huge commitment, considering I have let this blog slide for quite a few months. However, I need a challenge, and a focus. I have been living in a haze for too long, and it is time to wake up and start doing what I love the most.
It is so easy to get caught up in life, being a mum to 3 kids, and working full time, as well as trying to make some extra money on the side. It can all become a bit overwhelming, and unfortunately it is the things that I do for myself that get pushed aside every time. Someone reminded me the other day that we should make sure that we are happy, as that is the only way that we can be there for others. These are very wise words. I always get caught up in making sure everyone else is happy, that I neglect myself. It is not about being selfish, but about taking care, and nurturing our own souls. As women, we do not tend to do that enough.
So I am going to write, as through writing, I feel alive. I am also going to delve in to music again. I used to be a musician, which sounds like such a strange thing to say, but its true. I was, and then one day I just stopped. I am not sure why, but I have a feeling I used it as a tool, a way of proving myself to my family, of showing I had worth. I got to a point where I no longer needed to prove anything, so I let it go. Now, I would like to start again, and do it for pleasure, and nothing else.
My instrument of choice? The trumpet. The reason? because back then, in the 80’s I did not know any other girls that played it, so this was the perfect way to make my point, I may only be a girl, but I was going to be a girl that could beat boys in their own field. I could not compete with my brother academically, but I could do it this way. So I did. It felt good too, until I realized I did not need to beat him. He may be ridiculously intelligent, but he is still human, and we found ways to connect on different levels. Moreover, once we were away from our parents, the competition for their approval was also diminished.
Diminished, but not gone. I still have a part of me that yearns for approval, but I am working on that. One step at a time. Being far away helps, as I do not have the constant judgement on a daily basis. Bali has allowed me to find some inner peace, and to let go of trying to seek attention and approval.